The Marriage That Longs To Give Up - Part Two

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In the previous article, the focal point of my intention was to engage thought, hope, and reconciliation among those readers who are currently enduring marriage and can't figure out where to turn, what to believe, or how to feel. There can be nothing less valuable in life than to encourage and lift the spirits of those believers who feel "trapped" inside a relationship. But as is the case for any God-fearing teacher or leader, we certainly cannot entertain a "cut and run" philosophy or message in which the encouragement is to walk away, give up, or quit running the race that they have entered into. Hopefully that was seen in the previous article as my audience was quite different than the one I am addressing today.

At this early morning hour, the dawn has not yet risen and the things that need to be addressed are often as clear to me as the darkness outside (which is to say that they are not very clear). No doubt my audience now will agree that the previous content was necessary, applicable, and imperative to the following text:

"That the aged men be sober, grave, temperate, sound in faith, in charity, in patience. The aged women likewise, that they be in behaviour as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded;" Titus 2:2-6

The Word of God implores those teaching to "urge" those listening, reading, and/or needing guidance toward lives of sensible godliness, purity, and righteous actions. But here is where I will begin to define my audience. Part II that is being written at this hour is aimed toward those in the church who surround the "couple who longs to give up." Now I am no longer speaking to the couples who struggle, but to the churches who nurture, observe, and shepherd these couples.

As you just saw, the term quoted as valuable at this present time was the word, urge. We find it from the Greek word Parakaleo, which means to aid or to be by the side of. Perhaps this may seem obvious, but I believe the obvious sometimes serves to be an illusion that evades our common sense when it comes to the things we do in life. What exactly do I mean?

To urge is to aid and stand by through encouragement and comfort. When you, as the Body, see someone fail with respect to the things that you've "urged" them not to do, what is your normal response? No doubt you have to stop and think about that, don't you? Why? Because the standard response we give to those who make decisions contrary to our teaching, our leading, or our guidance is disdain, disregard, and the plain fact is... WE GIVE UP ON THEM WHEN THEY NEED US MOST!

"For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving divers lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful, and hating one another..." Titus 3:3

Message? You were there once yourself. You have failed. You have fallen short of the expectations set before you. All of this to the end that...

"Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost;" Titus 3:5

It's the aspect of mercy that I want you to consider this day. When we "urge" someone toward a particular decision, purity, or righteous behavior, we are very simply giving direction that we trust they will uphold, adhere to, or if nothing else... consider. Yet there is one vital thing that we cannot and should not have the capacity to do and that's to force a decision.

Let me ask when, as a man or woman of God, God has ever forced you to make a certain decision? Has it ever happened? Surely God the Father has called us to that which He already knew we would choose, but why was it that you turned to Him in the first place? Speaking solely for myself, the call of God brought me to my knees as I saw how little I deserved His mercy. I had done everything in the world AGAINST what I knew He desired and yet there He stood before me with a gift of salvation. What more could I do but allow my heart to break at such grace?

Some decisions we make are irreversible. Some are not. If I were to choose to begin having an affair, my actions would be absurd, foolish, unrighteous, impure, and ungodly (with no question), but it would have the potential for reversal. As in, my marriage would not be without hope if I reversed the actions that led me down that path (though it would, of course, be scarred in the humanity of fallen flesh and would struggle to heal if at all). On the other hand, if my wife and I were to divorce legally, what would that mean? Could we remarry at a time in the future? Quite possibly. But the official document of divorce would be IRreversible. Not something that one can go back and change.

The process that leads people THROUGH a divorce is one that we, as a church, often have no choice but to observe as we have done everything within our capacity to urge otherwise. But once such a thing is done and the decision has been made, what happens next?

What is it about hearing that someone is "divorced" that makes us cringe? Is it because we feel they are dirty, impure, or unclean? Perhaps. But I want us to consider a situation exemplified in the naivety of Peter's once foolish notions regarding the "unclean." That means that, yes, as Grace Believers, we're going to dive into the uncharted waters of a kingdom program apostle. While there are many things inapplicable to the Body, there are many universal truths that were beginning to open up in the book of Acts regarding the "unclean." Let's look...

"And as Peter was coming in, Cornelius met him, and fell down at his feet, and worshipped him. But Peter took him up, saying, Stand up; I myself also am a man. And as he talked with him, he went in, and found many that were come together." Acts 10:25-27

Why was Cornelius falling at Peter's feet? Because he knew that it was not considered proper for a Jew to be in the company of a Gentile through manner that they were about to do. Cornelius was familiar with the customs and expectations of Israel upon Peter, so it served as common sense for him to feel immediate gratitude and hospitality.

"And he said unto them, Ye know how that it is an unlawful thing for a man that is a Jew to keep company, or come unto one of another nation;;" Acts 10:28a

Peter defines this himself in a way that might actually make some of us feel uncomfortable momentarily. It'd be like someone coming into our home saying, "I'm not actually suppose to be here and you know this." Perhaps it would come across as a guilt trip if we were not expecting it, but that's beside the point. Consider for the moment that Peter feels it necessary to remind this home of the law.

"but God hath shewed me that I should not call any man common or unclean." Acts 10:28b

Peter's law has not changed at this point, my friends. It is still "considered unlawful" for him to be there. Irregardless of the dream, the vision, and the experience of his being present, it is still deemed unlawful. And yet, Peter expresses to his audience that NO MAN ought to be considered unholy or unclean. Having said that he now believes and acknowledges the revelation from God, he says this:

"Therefore came I unto you without gainsaying, as soon as I was sent for:." Acts 10:29a

He came with mercy and grace. Though slightly uncomfortable on some level because of the law he is expected to uphold, he follows the instruction of God to give compassion where the Lord desires there to be an extension of mercy. Most of you taking the time to read this know the rest of the story and the blessed assurances that Cornelius and his family received through the gracious time that Peter spent with them.

So what does this have at all to do with our topic? You, as the Body, have grown a tendancy to look at those around you in your own church family who are divorced or are GOING THROUGH a divorce (that being any believer you come into contact with), hear their personal stories, and ascertain judgements of uncleanliness about who they are, what kind of people they have been, and what kind of person they will be. This is not our role.

"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." Ephesians 4:32

Not everything forgiven involves a wrong done against us personally. There isn't a single "divorced" believer I've met in my short life who has seemed eager to jump on the bandwagon of ministry or leadership and there's a reason for that. They KNOW that the church does not entertain divorce as a practice of common standards. They KNOW this because they are adults. But the thing we often fail to see as Body believers is that if they are IN the church with us, it means that they have not gotten divorced and turned to the world. It means that they have made a decision (however approved or disapproved in the eyes of God) and are yet seeking the mercy of the Body. So what is our responsibility to them? Forgiveness.

Perhaps this sounds watered-down or in some way demeaning to the expectations of God's Word, but let me remind you of our self-proclaimed title... we are grace believers. Let me say that again... we are grace believers. To believe in grace (as our title states) is to believe in mercy undeserved. It means that we believe in the grace given us through Christ. Likewise, we are to be gracious as He was gracious to us.

Bear in mind that I am not speaking of being gracious or compassionate to all sin, unrighteous behavior, and impure characteristics. For there are those who may easily walk the road and path of destruction to their own end through means of sexual immorality, malicious gossip, or any other facet of moral disregard. It is not my intention to encourage our grace toward those actions which are seemingly both spiteful and engraved within the roots of sin. Divorce can indeed BE one of those things from time to time, but not always.

No one believer that I know has ever been involved in a divorce (as a spouse) and come across as proud, overjoyed, or exctatic about the trouble that such a decision will mean. In fact, what seems more common is a fear that this decision to divorce will turn away all their friends, and most importantly the body of believers that they seek to fellowship among. Our responsibility at this stage in their struggle is less about describing their failures of the past, but about giving them hope for the future. They will find that hope when they can once again be embraced and not shunned.

Let me repeat one of the most common observations about how we often handle the divorced (as mentioned earlier in this letter)... The standard response we give to those who make decisions contrary to our teaching, our leading, or our guidance is disdain, disregard, and the plain fact is... WE GIVE UP ON THEM WHEN THEY NEED US MOST!

Don't give up on the people who need you. Though it may appear that they have in some way dishonored your hope for their lives, bear in mind that you can do no more than "urge." From there you have an overwhelming responsibility toward grace.

The dawn has now risen and the intention of my words may or may not have played a role in how you begin to view the "divorced" in your churches, but if nothing else, I hope that it will offer you a reason to re-consider the condemnation that you likely feel toward those who have endured such a turbulant decision. There is no "cure-all" to the common cold of divorce, how we should respond, or what happens next, for each situation holds it's own unique storyline. No matter your situation this day or your situations in the past, please know that it is with great admiration to Paul that I hold up the following passage:

"but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13b-14

If anyone had reason to regret, live in the past, be bitter toward those who were disregarding, or focus on the irreversible decisions made... it was Paul. Yet he chooses to focus on the resurrection that he knows is awaiting him in the upward call of Christ Jesus. Paul's focus is a hope for the future. Please, please, please... by all means... remind those divorced of that hope and offer them your right hand of fellowship if indeed they are now living in the light of his grace and mercy.

May you find this letter to be with great compassion. There are many things I will often write focused toward immediate needs of "rightly dividing," but sometimes we need to stop and discuss the matters that have a tendancy to break us apart from the inside-out. I have no hope greater than seeing believers re-uniting toward the promise of our inheritance in Christ Jesus.

Thank you for taking the time to read over these words. I trust you will go in the grace and peace of our Lord and Savior.