The Glory and Radiance of a Wife

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The topic of a “healthy relationship” happens to be one of my pet studies because I appreciate so much the power and unity of marriage along with the process it takes to get there. From the early stages of falling in love to the later years of learning to adore your spouse, this has been written for the gracious love and honor of my wife.

This was a study that came together early in 2003 during a discussion about the "role of women." As I began to process, discuss, and debate these issues with those present, I took a personal detour in study to consider the value of my wife and what Scripture says about my relationship to her. What had begun as a discussion about women and their roles in the church became a wonderful opening to my eyes as I realized my responsibility as a husband. It was that personal study time that led me to Ephesians 5:22-33 and the following article. May you find blessing and encouragement through what you read.

Ephesians 5 is Paul's delivery of our mysterious (verse 32) similarities in humanity to that of Christ and the church. The latter part of the Scripture addresses the similarity of a marriage to Christ and the Body. But indeed, be forewarned as I move forward, there is a GREAT mystery in this Scripture. It is not my intent to "insert" a mystery into the passage, but to provide potential insight and perspective into what is ALREADY being quoted as a mystery.

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.." Ephesians 5:22

Not a complex statement, but let's examine it for the potential of miscommunication.

"Submitting" (or being "subject") to someone or something is equal to being "dependant" upon that someone or something.

For instance, if I am "subject" to my boss at work, I am dependant on what he provides me every two weeks in the form of a paycheck. If my conduct with him is unbecoming, my "dependancy " will shift to another boss and I will subsequently lose my job (more than likely). Am I "obedient" to my boss? Yes I am, but that is not what makes me "subject" to him. "Obedience" is another issue entirely. I am "subject" to him because he gives me something my co-workers cannot give: financial security. Were he not to provide me that security and confidence, I would not remain "subject" to him. In fact, if I wasn't given any sort of security (financial or otherwise), I'd probably be looking for a new employer. Makes sense, right?

So when we talk about "submission," we're not DIRECTLY implying one's OBEDIENCE. Rather, we're directing the attention to one's DEPENDANCE (financial or otherwise) on another. The obedience factor plays a part, but not at the forefront.

Ephesians 5:22 addressed two key words that we're going to focus on before moving into verse 23. The second word (“subject”) we just covered, but the first was "wives," which I'd like to address now. If someone is a "wife," what does that imply Scripture already believes her to be capable of? Let's look...

"Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.." Proverbs 31:10

In Solomon's final chapter of Proverbs, he describes the image of a godly wife. At this point, you may immediately be thinking to yourself, "Who are we to take marital or personal advice regarding our spouses from a man who was married as much as he was?" Who better, my friends? In all honesty, if we resign ourselves to only reading Scripture from men who were perfect, we would not read Scripture. Solomon wrote "Song of Songs" as poetry for his most beloved wife, so if we are to take any input on what a "wife" ought to be, then we ought to not disregard the Proverbs and the Songs.

I once heard a Christian woman say to me, “Why do you take Paul at his word when he was always righting his opinion? You can’t take him literally.” Somehow I think she missed the reality of what she was truly saying. Can we disregard a passage of God’s Word because within it we see, “in my opinion.” Of course not. Neither can we look at Solomon and think to ourselves, “Who is he to be teaching marriage lessons?” God “breathed” the writing of these passages and thus we should take them into equal consideration that we would give any other.

Let's look at chapter 31 of Proverbs beginning now with verse 11...

"The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.," Proverbs 31:11

Seeing as trust is an issue of dependence, even the husband "depends" on his wife. That's an interesting thing to consider. Surely there are those men who believe that they are fully independent, but they would only be lying to themselves. All husbands are dependent on their wives and jointly, they must learn to trust their wives.

"She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.." Proverbs 31:13

She what? You mean she WORKS? Yes she does. She works hard with delight. Just 75 years ago it was still considered taboo to see a woman get a job outside the home. It happened, but it was rare and not spoken of highly. But perhaps you’re a husband and you’re reading this verse thinking, “Working with her hands could simply mean working with her hands at home.” You’re absolutely right. But let’s finish out the chapter before you draw that final conclusion.

"She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.." Proverbs 31:15

You mean, while the husband and children are still sleeping, she's still thinking of how to provide for her family? Yes she is. This is easily one of the many reasons why the husband learns to trust his wife. She rises early and goes to bed late thinking of the needs of her family.

"She considereth a field, and buyeth it:." Proverbs 31:16a

So she has a balanced awareness of the financial situation in the home. She would not "buy a field" if she did not have a foreknowledge of the monetary status that was available to her family. She is not sheltered from knowing things (an unfortunate problem in many homes across the world).

My own wife, mother, and grandmother have been the “money keepers” in the home. This is not necessarily because they choose to be in every case, but because they do so with a goal of “protecting” the family from excessive spending. As a typical man, I have a tendency to spend whenever and wherever I want to spend. My wife shields me from overspending by watching the money and communicating daily over previous and upcoming expenses. Why does my wife do this in our family? Because she is protective of our future. This is one of the many personal reasons why she has my trust.

Can a man handle such responsibility? Absolutely. The point here is not to segregate sexist tasks, but instead to point out the things that a woman was doing in the days of inspired Scripture. In the case of Solomon’s writing, this woman was buying fields and operating the financial expenses of the king.

"with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.." Proverbs 31:16b

She earns an income and uses it for her family in addition to the other things that she does. Whew. The description thus far is just simply amazing. To those men who were originally thinking, “it doesn’t say she works outside the home,” you’re going to quickly discover it does. What I envision is a woman working night and day to earn an income, then going out to purchase the land required for a vineyard and spending the late hours of the evening planting the seeds that will flourish into a magnificent vineyard. I see her as a perfectionist.

"She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.;" Proverbs 31:20

She cares. The needs of others matter to her. It’s a rare woman in these days who does not already feel such compassion, but it’s healthy to be reminded that the nature of this Biblical wife is an extended hand of gracious love.

"She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.." Proverbs 31:21

She'd shovel her own way out of the driveway if necessary simply to provide for her family. Can any men out there imagine their wife shoveling the driveway in a blizzard when there is no food in the house? Many of you probably do it yourselves, but just imagine her out there doing it in your absence. That’s how much she loves you and desires to protect your family. She would move heaven and earth for you if God gave her the capacity to do so.

***Side Note for the Gentlemen: When you take the time to do such things (shoveling and the like), the message that you are sending to your spouse is not only that you love her, but equally, that you will go to whatever measure you can to show her that your concern for the family is secure. It’s a little thing, but so great in the relationship of marriage.

"She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.," Proverbs 31:22

Hmmm...

"She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.." Proverbs 31:24

Wow. Didn’t we already mention this? She works outside the home to provide. She is blessed in all that she does whether she serves the home alone or whether she extends that service to the community she lives in. Amazing.

"Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.." Proverbs 31:25

She never gives up hope. Just when you have begun to question it, she stands behind you and reminds you that the door has only just opened.

"Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.," Proverbs 31:28

You mean, the husband will PRAISE his wife? Maybe that's not what it means...

"Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.." Proverbs 31:30

Yep, that's what it meant.

Perhaps as a husband, you do not see all of these facets in your own wife. Perhaps some of these reflect what YOU do or how YOU feel about the family. That’s perfectly okay. What you’ve just seen Solomon describe is the “perfect woman.” She is the woman so great that she’s nearly impossible to find. So what does all this mean if it does not describe your wife to a tee?

Proverbs 31 presents a natural connection of praise and adoration from the husband to his wife. What Solomon has done is to outline the pieces of what causes him to glory in his wife. He finds praise in each and every little thing. And what happens when she knows that he finds praise in her? She continues doing what she does and even excels beyond those things into greater reasons to praise. A woman needs to be praised. It’s Biblical and righteous and necessary. So men, if you've never praised your wife for something she does, something she's doing, or something she works incredibly hard at, please do so. It will light up her heart.

Let's move back into Ephesians and consider what was just covered.

(1) A wife, according to Scripture, is held to certain expectations (no less and no more than a man) of godliness, wisdom, and compassion. Simply because Solomon began that passage with "who can find?" does NOT mean that this type of woman doesn't exist. Quite the opposite in fact...

"Thou hast ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; thou hast ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck.," Song of Solomon 4:9

I think he found her. So let's presume that though an excellent wife is worth far more than jewels, she IS available to the one who searches for her.

(2) To be "subject to" is to be "dependant on." If indeed, the woman in Proverbs is NOT financially dependant on Solomon (or any other man for that matter... because she earns an income), what then is it that she is "dependant" on him for? We'll get there, but for now, we'll contend to the possibility that "submission" is not simply being obedient like a dog to its master, but rather, "submission" is being " dependant " (for whatever reason the individual is so) on someone or something (depending on what the object of affection is).

...moving on...

(3) This one is previously mentioned in Proverbs, but is further elaborated on here:

"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.." Ephesians 5:22

How is the woman "subject" to the Lord?

"a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.." Proverbs 31:30b

She fears the Lord.

Why should ANY of us fear the Lord? Because He holds our salvation in His hands. That's pretty intense. Whether we are Israel of old, or the Body of Christ for today, the Lord STILL holds our salvation in His hands. He holds our entire security in His hands.

“Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.;” Philippians 2:12

In this context, it’s fair to equate fear with “learning to trust.” We don't fear the Lord in such a way that we cease to function, but instead, we trust the Lord knowing He will provide in our time of need. Right now, in this age of grace, we needed security because the Law could not secure us. He gave us that security and our "fear" or "trust" in the Lord remains solid and secure. He did what was necessary to secure us and give us confidence.

So what does it mean to “fear the Lord?” It means learning to trust Him because of the security He provides. Fearing the Lord is NOT about feeling that He holds absolute power over your head (though He does), but instead, that you know He is the source of your security and without that security, you have nothing.

"For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.." Ephesians 5:23

This is further explanation of what was just presented. How is the husband the "head of the wife?"

"...even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body." Ephesians 5:23b

Though Christ remains to be God and IS the dominant Deity in our lives, this Scripture makes a point of expressing its own meaning. Follow with me for a moment…

Christ is the head of the church. Not because He is the Supreme Authority, but because He is the SAVIOR of the Body. Do you see the difference?

Is Christ the Supreme Authority? Absolutely. Without question.

But that is not WHY He is the head of the church. Again, He is the "head of the church" in this context because he is the SAVIOR of the Body. How does that compare to a marriage?

Christ is our redemption and our SECURITY. Apart from Him there IS NO SECURITY. When we are struggling, we DEPEND on Him because He is our Savior. We trust in Him because He is our Savior. Not because He is the Supreme Authority. Being the authority does not make one a Savior. The two can either be distinctly different or identically the same. In this case, Scripture defines itself as being DIFFERENT from authority, but more so as a "saving" and "protecting" message. Our Lord and Savior is who He is because he saves us, secures us, and gives us comfort. So should a husband be to his wife… as Christ has been to the church.

"For the husband is the head of the wife," Ephesians 5:23a

The what? The protector. The comforter. The replica of Christ to the church. Do you visualize Christ as a DOMINEERING individual? Neither do I. Our Lord is a Gracious Savior.

Wives, consider your husbands as such.

Husbands, be gracious and offer comfort to your wives.

"Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.." Ephesians 5:24

The church, once again, is not SUBJECT in the form of bondage and slavery, but dependant in the form of grace, mercy, and freedom. So also the wives ought to be dependant on their husbands in similar fashion.

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;" Ephesians 5:25

I've known men to say, "I'd die for my wife. And that's love!" It sounds great on the surface, because it seems they're trying to characterize their love for their wives as being similar to what this passage implies. It’s as though they make the connection that Christ’s “love” for the church is the physical “death” that He gave. This is not the case. Yes, Christ died, but the death itself means nothing without the result and follow up that He made in the years that followed. Think on this with me...

"...and gave himself for it;" Ephesians 5:25b

What did Christ do to "give Himself up?" He humbled Himself for her. He gave up His HEAVENLY authority to become her SERVANT. He came down from His HIGH ROLE and took a LOWER ROLE in order that might give her security! Praise the Lord!

Then what happened after Christ died? He rose! He brought with him all kinds of mercy, grace, and patient love to embrace His church.

So as a husband, would saying that you'd “die for your wife" be a fair expression of love if during your life you could not also serve her as Christ served the church? Probably not. A husband has not only the responsibility to humble himself before his wife, but to also serve her. This isn’t rocket science, Gentlemen, this is the truth of how Christ loved the church and “gave Himself up for her.”

"That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word," Ephesians 5:26

Wow. How does a husband "sanctify" his wife? By dying for her? Certainly not. A man is not God and his responsibilities to a wife are much more physical. If a husband dies, his wife is NOT secure or confident anymore. Instead, she becomes scared, alone, and fearful of what life will be without him.

So the statement, "I'd die for my wife just like Christ did for us," well... it just doesn't fit. Better to say, "I'd give up everything I have for my wife in order for her to be safe, secure, and free."

What a man, right? Let's move on...

"That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish." Ephesians 5:27

We're talking about a VERY humble man giving up a heck of a lot to make HER appear blameless.

***Another side note for husbands: Even for myself, as I look back at this passage and the power that it teaches, I am taken aback by the reality that I am responsible to be humble towards my wife. It is in our humility that they will come to love us more and more every day.

"So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself." Ephesians 5:28

Once again, we're not talking about a man who simply gives flowers to his wife on Valentine's. We're talking about a man who loves his wife as much as he loves his own body. How much is that?

Well, most men that I know fit into two categories with regard to their own bodies. The first category is the men who build their bodies or try to at least maintain a particular frame or build. Then there are men who opt to sit in front of the television while building a gut with no regard for themselves. Men, what kind of husband are you or will you be when it comes to loving your own bodies?

"For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones." Ephesians 5:29-30

The theme of "cherishing" and "nourishing" continues from what was previously presented as "saving" and "securing." Between cherishing, nourishing, saving, and securing the heart of his wife, it's apparent that a husband has MUCH MORE to concern himself with than "who is in charge" (though, unfortunately, that’s what gives the majority of men their ego). Very evidently, the presence of Christ and the church in this passage makes it QUITE clear that this is not an issue of "authority," but an issue of "security" and "dependence."

"For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh." Ephesians 5:31

Here is the core of the mystery which MANY will never comprehend. Even I, as I continue to study, find myself intrigued by the INCREDIBLE level of depth behind this Scripture. But due to its "mystery," I'll leave it to the consistent student as I myself remain diligent to do the same. The subject of this mystery could span yet another many lines and paragraphs, but it is always more beneficial to see readers of the Word discovering truths by their own studious efforts of faithfulness.

"This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church." Ephesians 5:32

Part of this mystery has been presented here through the past presentation. Simply pause to think for a moment of how a husband and a wife build a healthy relationship (according to the past verses) and then consider what that means if Christ Himself is the same in His relationship to the Body. (If you'd like to dig deeper in discussion about this particular mystery, feel free to bring forward any questions or thoughts in a reply to this article.)

"Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband." Ephesians 5:33

In the final verse, we have a conclusion that reorders the original pattern of the message. In the beginning, it was the wife who was described first. She was described as being "dependant" on her husband.

Now, it is the husband who is described first. He is described as one who will love his wife as he loves himself. Most certainly, as previously mentioned, a husband will not kill himself (as generally applied to that which Christ did for the church). Rather, he will take care of his wife in such a way that the relationship is maintained and the security of love is confident. Hence, it is the husband who is to be responsible to the wife (in more ways than just financial... for indeed, the woman in Proverbs didn't need Solomon's money). In doing so, the wife will then be respectful of her husband because she will be CONFIDENT of his love for her.

How does a husband express his love to his wife? He becomes a servant to her. He becomes humble before her. He praises her. In doing so, he becomes a man worthy of what verse 33 states... RESPECT. You don't just simply GET respect because you think that it’s a God-given right. You GET respect when you show yourself humble enough to receive it.

Perhaps this presentation will bring about conversation about women or men, but it is my hope that it will more so offer a refreshing insight into the "glory and radiance" of a wife.

Imagine the "ideal American home" for most men:

The wife makes breakfast and lunch for the kids and the husband. She shops for groceries with the money that he's earned during the day and makes dinner for the family immediately upon his arrival home. When he gets home, he eats the dinner that she has prepared, but says nothing at all about it. After which time, he takes her into the bedroom and has sex with her WITHOUT saying a word. He falls asleep and the next day goes on the same.

In that scenario, has the wife been praised even in the slightest? Has the husband given his wife ANY time for emotional affection? In essence, has the husband given his wife ANY REASON AT ALL TO RESPECT HIM? Not at all!

But to each wife is a different need for security. In each of those "different" wives, there remains one constant. She needs the attention and praise of her husband. Without that, she becomes cold. Without that, she ceases to care about his needs. Without that, love turns to hate.

Some of you know what I'm talking about. Some of you come from a broken home. Some of you are familiar with those men who once "wooed" their bride, but then, after marriage, he ceased to care about her needs. He stopped giving her random flowers. He never sat down anymore to talk with her for hours like they did during the "courtship."

You see, when men " date " or "court" a bride, we do all the HUMBLE things that a husband should do IN a marriage. Then when we get married, we set aside all the things that we did in the chase and the dating. We stop openly caring and making it clear that we love. Why? More than likely the cause and effect is the fact that we’ve attained our prize. Having captured our queen and “locked” her into a contract of marriage, what is there left to chase? To the average man… nothing. To a man looking deeper into love, there is much left to chase. A woman’s heart is always in need of being adored or appreciated the way that it was when the chase began and so it becomes the responsibility of each husband to discover the needs that he can continue to meet each day for her praise.

If you are an unmarried man, TRAIN yourself and PREPARE yourself to be humble. Train yourself and prepare yourself to serve your wife. You'll do it as you try to "win her affection" (all guys do), but if you haven't trained yourself to consider that it must continue into marriage, you'll harden the heart of your wife over time and years. Don’t be a sweet guy before marriage and turn into a careless ogre in the years that follow. She is yours, yes, but because she is yours, you owe her tenderness, honor, and praise.

Let her trust you. Make yourself worthy of her trust and respect by serving her in every capacity that she needs. But learn this BEFORE you get married if at all possible. Don't learn these lessons after your wife has hardened her heart toward you. Divorce will be the hope of her future and you won't want to experience that hate. Let her trust you.

May the Lord be a blessing to your hearts as you consider the things presented to you and continue studying them to see if they are accurate to Scripture. May you be patient in your relationships and humble in your marriages.